Recently I was asked what is the opposite of reactionary.
The only word that immediately came to mind was inactive – but I felt that wasn’t quite right.
So I didn’t really answer the question at all.
I’ve been mulling on this for a few days now.
Maybe they didn’t necessarily want an answer, they just wanted to be heard.
That’s essentially what mindful listening is all about.
In just the same way that mindfulness is about paying attention to what’s happening right now, in this moment.
Mindful listening is about paying attention to what a person says… so they feel heard, without judgement.
Often we don’t really hear what a person is saying, because we are waiting for our ‘turn’ to speak.
Or we jump in offering solutions, trying to ‘fix’ a problem.
Sometimes perhaps there isn’t an answer.
But it’s worth sitting back and noting how often you interrupt, or ‘chip in’ as someone is speaking.
Sometimes we just need to listen.
Listen to how they sound, the words they are using, how they feel.
I found a great article on the Australian Childhood Foundation’s website on how a parenting group used mindful listening.
Working in pairs, each parent talks for 2-3 minutes about what’s on their mind (in relation to their parenting).
They talked without being interrupted, and were listened to attentively.
The idea is to challenge them to “listen as if they were going to win an Academy Award for listening”.
They initially found it challenging, but after a couple of weeks said it was one of the most important parts of the sessions.
They were then asked: “How do you think it would be if sometimes we listened to our kids like this?”
Interesting isn’t it?
Another simple example of how we sometimes don’t listen is when people introduce themselves or are introduced to us.
My husband’s name is Michael.
I have never heard him introduce himself as anything else.
But invariably within moments of saying his name, someone will refer to him as Mike…
I know we have a habit of shortening names, it’s partly why my parents called me Ann.
Ironically, my name tends to get lengthened to Annie!
When you meet a person, listen to how they say their name.
Rather than assuming they won’t mind being called something other than what they said, ask first.
When meeting students for the first time, I always asked if they had a preference, especially if their name was one commonly shortened.
I know they appreciated that, although often the response was ‘whatever’.
No. It’s your name. Own it.
In journalism I’ve always held that the worst thing an interviewee can say to you is ‘well as I’ve just said…’
It shows you didn’t listen to what they said, and they know that you weren’t listening.
Listen, listen, listen was my mantra.
So back to the original question – opposite of reactionary.
I still sit with inactive, but maybe non-reactive is better, or even stoic.
But maybe they just wanted to be heard.
‘This is how I feel’.
I hear you.
Ann 🙏