I’m sure you’ve had them…
Those recurring dreams when you’re completely unprepared for something.
My ususal one, is I’m about to sit an exam and I suddenly realise I haven’t revised for it.
Or I’ve revised completely the wrong subject.
Let me just put it out there, this was never me.
I was a total swot when it came to exams!
The other recurring dream I often have is I’m about to go live on air (years as a broadcaster) and I have nothing prepared.
Or I’m pressing a button and nothing will play and I have no alternative to go to…
Again, I was always so prepared.
So let’s call these dreams what they are… nightmares!
That total feeling of helplessness, failure.
Ugh.
A quick search and these dreams are not uncommon.
There are many interpretations which generally run along the themes of: self-criticism, feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, imposter syndrome and/or anxiety, too much pressure, and a sense of overwhelm.
All of this makes complete sense to me.
But imagine my surprise when this week my dream (read nightmare) was about getting ready to guide my regular meditation session…
The whole prep for me is usually very calming and relaxed.
I arrive early, take my time and make sure I have time to sit quietly by myself before anyone else arrives.
I don’t always know what technique I will guide beforehand.
But this isn’t stressful, more the need to go with the flow.
Often I arrive with an idea of doing one thing… and then when we start it becomes something else.
I find this really quite therapeutic.
The meditation guides me.
But this dream was not that.
I arrived at the room, although of course, it wasn’t my usual room.
As I was setting up, the balance was all wrong, we were too far into a corner.
People I had never seen before started to arrive.
There was noise, chaos, disruption.
There were four people working on a separate project who were encouraged to join the class, but were upset that their space had been taken over.
I was running out of time… the session was running late…
I felt completely unbalanced, out of control and disorganised.
Ugh.
Of course a simple assessment of my situation can help explain this.
Looking down the bed I was sleeping in a bulky orthopedic CAM (Controlled Ankle Motion) boot, having just come out of a plaster cast the day before.
Still no weight-bearing – so still semi-unbalanced.
Subconsciously probably worrying if this surgery has worked.
Also subconsciously worrying about getting set-up for class this week (with my trusty husband as the key person doing most of the setting up under my direction/supervision).
Logically, in the light of day, it makes perfect sense.
Illogically, why did my subconscious have to pick on my meditation classes?
Why couldn’t it have been the usual exam or on-air dream I am so used to…?
Psychologist and author Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari suggests you “…meditate on these feelings, silence the mind and ‘stay’ present with the emotions you’re experiencing. Let them guide you to the underlying and core issue that is trying to unfold”.
So I tried this.
The only conclusion I can come to after a few days processing this, is because I care.
I wanted to do well in my exams, I cared.
I wanted to be professional on-air, at work.
I cared.
My newer role as a meditation teacher is exactly the same.
I care that the room is ‘right’.
The atmosphere is relaxed and calming.
That people feel comfortable in the space.
If I didn’t care, then I don’t think it would play on my mind in this way.
There are so many interpretations of dreams it’s easy to get completely wrapped up in them.
Or read too much into them.
Sometimes just thinking things through quietly and logically can help.
Until the next dream/nightmare occurs…
Ann 🙏